Choice/Excuse

I am an advice giver. I can rationally and logically choose the action a person should take for the best outcomes. People seem to admire my advice, but when I need advice, I don’t tend to take it from people. I go with my personal choice. But personal choices aren’t always the best. I am that girl who likes to take the easy way out. I lie and make excuses. I let my sickness take over my life.
There’s a difference between living, coping, and curing. And I still don’t know the difference when every day is a painful one and weakness in my heart. When every day is a hope that my blood will pump at a pressure to keep me happy and perky like I used to be. I so want to be like that again. The pills help but never enough. I feel much better, but not enough. I get rest, sleep and laying in bed. But it’s never enough. My life is livable, but not comfortable.
Worth every minute of every moment I’m awake. Planning every action I take. Asking advice of people and not taking it because they don’t understand.
Excuses are excuses though. Painful or fake.
I just want to benefit my liveableness. I still want my advice to be taken.
I just want to take advice and take actions that I want to.
But life is short.
And coping is indecisiveness.
You want to clean your space of your laziness, but you know it will hurt. You know it will clear your mind, but you know it will hurt. You want to treat yourself without that pain.
But it hurts and it’s terrifying.
I wake up every morning just awaiting my rising and dropping symptoms.
Will I have pain today?
Will I near-faint today from only sitting in lecture?
Will I hydrate enough?
Am I about to faint?
Are they staring at my feet?
Are they going to yell at me for parking here?
Invisibility is a strength and a weakness.
So the advice I’m given is not understood advice. Because sometimes, my choice is to be invisible. So the lies and excuses persist.
I don’t choose this for my wanting. I choose it for my coping.